I am puke
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
