theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
