Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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