then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize