Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
