omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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