Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
