You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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