Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
