I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
