Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
