Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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