YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
