I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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