Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
