Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
