I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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