how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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