roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
