Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
