We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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