God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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