I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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