we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
