if you like me you must not know who I am
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
