Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
