can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I deserve this hangover.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize