I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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