so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
