Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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