god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I wear drunk well.
Randomize