Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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