totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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