She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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