this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
