dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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