Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
