his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
