I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
