Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize