I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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