I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
