Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The feeling are messing with the penis
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
