Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
