then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
