Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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