I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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