My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
