I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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