The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
