I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
