I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
