i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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