I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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