i wish my penis had a tongue
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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