i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
