no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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