census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Panties = found
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
