I'm sorry my penis didn't work
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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