I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
