Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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