dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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