ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
