Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
