having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't notice because vodka
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
