I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
