So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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