Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
