Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
