before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
